Vulnerability at the Heart of Good Sex
In this episode of Himeros Live we discuss the release of The Reveal, a video that I wrote for Himeros.tv, featuring a game to play with a lover that helps vulnerability emerge.
This is a pre-sex ritual designed to enhance the emotional fueling of desire by sharing small personally vulnerable revelations.
It is scalable, because it can be done with a playful casual sex buddy or even with our deepest partners. The scalability would be experienced in the level of vulnerability being revealed. Obviously, in a casual sex situation, one may not divulge his deepest fear or insecurity, but would still have plenty to offer the moment.
The important lesson that this game teaches is that being emotionally transparent greatly enhances the sexual experience and can act as an aphrodisiac, if we allow space for it. In sex, we have often been conditioned to bring only parts of ourselves to certain men or parts of ourselves to sex, itself. We often rely on what “works,” what feels safe, and what makes us feel like rock stars. There are so many other parts of ourselves that we tend to hide because we fear the risk of being vulnerable. Traditional porn has shown us that sex is largely an emotionless event, but this is contrary to the truth of how our species engages with sex. Much research in sex therapy shows that making sex “meaningless” in our minds actually involves a great deal of emotion needed to create the perceived separation between the physical and the emotional. Actually, even casual sex can be highly emotional and will benefit from this game. This exercise helps us bring more unexpressed parts of ourselves that are in the shadows into the sexual space. This helps us align our physical desire with our actual emotional states in the moment of erotic encounter, and heat rises as a result.
Both men begin by facing each other. Make it seem like a very relaxing thing to be emotionally transparent by adopting a posture that mimics how one might lay with a high school best friend, sharing secrets, giggling, and feeling like this other person understands and matters so much! Start by lying several feet apart from each other. Begin with eye contact and breathing. Make an agreement with each other that it is a safe space to share what’s really going on beneath the surface. Watch each other’s bellies rise and fall. Feel the sexual tension and relish the anticipation of the physical body, the moment of contact with this beautiful man. Each man then takes a turn sharing a vulnerability felt in the moment and a subsequent inching towards each other with every turn.
The game should make space for both negatively and positively associated emotions. For example, one could reveal a bit of nervousness, maybe a pressure to perform, maybe an assumption that one has in his mind about the other guy, a fear, an emotion that one fears to feel like anxiety, sadness, etc. Some examples of revelations from negatively associated states:
“I think that you are so fucking hot that it makes me nervous to have sex with you. I want to please you so bad!”
“When you cruised me, I was so shocked. I had been thinking all night that you were never gonna respond to me. Lying here with you, it’s like a dream come true!”
“I have been wanting to fuck you for days. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s kinda made me angry to have to wait so long to get inside you. I’m gonna let you feel that.”
Even positive emotions that we sometimes suppress because of fear of being “too much” can be highly vulnerable to both fully feel and to share. This could go something like:
“I’m so excited to have sex with you. When you fuck me, I feel so alive in a way that I don’t know how to feel any other way…”
This could be a vulnerable share, because we often feel shame for loving sex so much, since our culture taught us to deny it and only have it when absolutely necessary.
Another possibility:
“I’ve been looking forward to this moment all day. I just can’t keep my mind off of it.”
Again, we often hold this type of share back until we are really really turned on and our inhibitions are down, but if we can bring them into the sexual field before we even begin touching, we are fueling the erotic space with TRUTH, the ultimate turn-on. Bringing in the extra emotional realities that both partners are secretly feeling can make for explosive sexual encounters!
Both partners take turns going back and forth. One man shares his truth followed by a deep breath and big exhale. He then scoots a few inches towards his partner. Then the other man takes his turn, following suit. The game resolves itself when both partners are physically touching each other and each’s secret emotions have then been brought into an embodied sexy encounter. This is highly symbolic because distance is often created by secrecy, and closeness flourishes in an open container. Continue touching and making love with intention to keep the vulnerability alive. Let your body express with the same level of revelation and delight!
For more info, visit Davey Wavey’s blog post about The Reveal here.