What is a sex coach?

A sex coach helps clients cultivate relational and erotic skills to navigate their sexually intimate relationships — whether monogamous, open,  polyamorous, or fuck buddies. Depending on a coach’s specialty or certification, work can involve hands-on or hands-off techniques. My work is strictly hands-off.

What is eroticism? How do I increase eroticism in my relationship(s)?

A common oversimplification is that eroticism refers to what we do with our bodies when we’re having sex. However, eroticism also refers to how our imaginations fuel our sexual desires — what we think, feel, and envision with regards to sex.

Our unique erotic patterns as individuals can be influenced by extrinsic forces such as social conditioning or entertainment and advertising, as well as intrinsic forces including our attitudes, desires, secrets, wounds, and aspirations. 

With practice, eroticism can serve as a vehicle for us to arrive at our most authentic selves—and this is a moving target. For more on how to increase the erotic factor in your relationship, read here.

Do you train women?

While I specialize in gay, bi, and queer men’s issues, I can and have worked with women on multiple occasions. If you’d like to feel out whether we’re a fit for one another, feel free to book a 15-minute exploratory call.

Do you work with trans people?

To everyone in our dear trans family, you all are most welcome here. While I admit that my specialties currently lie in gay, bisexual, and queer men’s issues, it is my hope that my content provides some value to you all as well. I am professionally educating myself in trans issues and look forward in the near future to being able to speak with greater authority to issues of importance in your lives as well. Here is my growing list of resources for trans folx, and if you’re interested in private sessions, feel free to book a 15-minute exploratory call with me. I’d look forward to our chat!

How much do your courses cost?

My fees will be discussed during our eexploratory call.

Do you offer in-person coaching?

My sessions are conducted via Zoom. In-person work is only available in retreats and workshops. Learn more about booking sessions with me here.

What is self-pleasure? Why is it important?

Self-pleasure is another term for masturbation, and there are a variety of documented physical, mental, and emotional health benefits associated with the practice. For many of us, self-pleasure often centers around “getting off” or climax as the goal, and our focus is set on people or objects of our desire. However, an approach that many find more meaningful centers around radical ownership of one’s own body and erotic desires. Self-pleasure can be channeled as an intentional practice to develop a love for one’s own body and to learn from the nature of one’s desires. How we have sex with ourselves says a lot about how we have sex with others. Learn more here.

Is a healthy open relationship possible for queer couples? I’ve seen so many go wrong.

Absolutely! It is possible to build the skills to maximize your experiences of sex, desire, and relationship, no matter your style of relationship — monogamous, open, or polyamorous.

In general, we as queer people haven’t been taught how to have healthy relationships of any kind. We often can be especially protective of our sex lives, since we’ve been marginalized due to who we are and have already fought hard just to get to where we are. A lot of guys want open relationships but lack the skills to create them with intention.

If you continue to have questions about potentially opening up your queer relationship, feel free to schedule some time. I’d love to connect.

I think I want an open relationship, but I don’t know how to tell my partner. What should I do?

Renowned sex therapist Marti Klein said, “Couples argue over contracts they never made.” Open relationships can be most successful if the partners involved 1) are clear on what they want, and 2) practice honest communication. And perhaps most importantly, are invested in an ongoing process with each other.

If you feel that you want an open relationship, the first step is to define exactly what “open” means to you — what would be acceptable actions for you and for your partner, and which actions would cross the line? The more you can speak in terms of specific desires and behaviors, the better.

Second, get specific on how and when you two might check in about your desires to engage sexually outside the couple. Often, it’s better to check in on this conversation at a semi-regular cadence, as opposed to leaving this to a one-time conversation.

My partner and I are curious to experiment with a triad relationship. Are there rules for a successful polyamorous relationship?

When it comes to sex, three-ways are the most commonly reported fantasy in our culture today, and many queer people these days are experimenting with relationship structures that involve more than just two people. At the end of the day, triads and polyamorous relationships are like any other relationship — they can thrive through a practice of solid communication, honesty, and commitment.

While I don’t ascribe to prescribed “rules” for any relationship, it seems true based on my observation that relationships thrive best when each individual learns to openly negotiate his own needs, wants, desires — and how he plans to act on them. 

Our open relationship is killing me, but I’m afraid that telling my partner will put our relationship in jeopardy. What should I do?

If your open relationship feels like it is killing you, that’s a sign it may be time to slow down and take a solid inventory of A) your personal needs and B) your willingness and/or ability to communicate these needs with your partner.

Chances are if you don’t tell your partner what you’re experiencing, your relationship is already in jeopardy. If this feels daunting, know that you’re not alone. This is exactly why many seek couple’s therapy. Hiring a third party can 1) help open up the communication channels in ways that feel safe for all parties to more freely communicate, and 2) bring in outside perspectives that couples often find useful.

At the end of the day, open relationships are like any other relationship — they require flexibility and regular tending, just as one would tend to a garden. Effective management of romantic relationships often involves a delicate balance of freedom on one side and responsibility on the other.

I love my partner, but I’ve lost physical attraction to him. Is there any way to make our sexless relationship work?

A lot of guys report loving their partner(s) while admitting that they’ve lost physical attraction to him/them. If you’re feeling that you’re in a sexless relationship, it’s worth noting that what feels sexless to some, may feel just right to others.

This fizzling of attraction may have less to do with physicality and more to do with A) your internal life personally and B) the relationship dynamic between you two. The important thing is to understand what is at the root of your loss of attraction, and then to talk about it in a constructive way — certainly not in a way that comes across as accusatory or demeaning.

If that sounds like it would be challenging for you to execute successfully, you may benefit from sex/intimacy coaching or couples therapy. External parties can sometimes help individuals who find themselves in a strained relationship to access the tools needed to continue building the relationship. See here if you’re interested to learn more about private sessions with me.

I don’t feel attractive to my boyfriend, and I’m nervous he’ll leave me for someone younger or hotter. What should I do?

It’s tough to grapple with all the baggage related to body image that we’ve inherited as queer people. If you don’t feel attractive to your boyfriend, the first place to look is at your relationship with yourself. It can often be tricky to navigate the line between seeking healthy and unhealthy validation regarding our physical appearance. In the end, it’s our own responsibility to dig into why we might feel unattractive and take ownership of our physical well-being, our body image, and how we communicate with our boyfriend(s) or romantic partner(s).

If you struggle with a less-than-positive body image, see here for some tips on how to cultivate healthy self-talk. For information on how to book sessions with me, click here.

I hate my penis size. Can I ever feel comfortable in my own skin?

It might be surprising just how many men confess to hating their penis size when they feel they’re in a safe space to speak openly. No matter the shape, size, or color of the penis, we men can struggle internally when it comes to our cocks. According to the data, we GBTQ men, in particular, can struggle even more than other men with body image. While we cannot necessarily change external factors (like arbitrary standards society and popular culture seem to demand our bodies meet in order to be acceptable), what we can control is how much we allow these external factors to shape what we do or don’t find sexy.

It’s worth noting that clients often report increased sexual pleasure both for themselves and their partner(s) once they overcome fixations on their own cock size.

I hate my body. I can’t stand the way I look. Can I ever feel comfortable with my body?

First, I want to congratulate you on being proactive to seek help for something I imagine is probably very troubling to you. These can’t be easy feelings to grapple with, but kudos to you for seeking answers!

Now, after all the struggle we’ve been through personally and collectively as GBTQ men, we as individuals tend to bear incredible amounts of shame. Very commonly, we turn that inwards on ourselves, hating our bodies or the way that we look. We can feel comfortable in our bodies when we practice changing how we relate to our desires and senses of worthiness.

For some, affirmative self-pleasure can be a great way to start! Check out this resource for more. Additionally, sex and intimacy coaching and/or therapy may be a great option for you to more deeply explore your relationship with yourself.

In the meantime, know that you’re valuable and that you deserve a relationship with yourself that is affirming and constructive. The world has just one you, and you’re worth celebrating!

I’m worried my lover or I may have male body dysmorphia. Are there practical things I can do to improve my relationship with my body?

So many times, we as queer men are not present in our bodies and instead get trapped in our heads. We men often hold onto arbitrary body standards and images of the ideal man that we try to live up to. This may point to male body dysmorphia, and we also may just be really hard on ourselves.

Regardless, practicing being present and in touch with our senses can be helpful in letting go of false standards of perfection that can too easily hold us hostage. We may never live up to society’s flawed expectations of us, but we shouldn’t allow that to come between us and partaking in the joys that we can experience in our bodies once we tune in and appreciate our bodies for what they are to us and how they serve us. 

I keep thinking of someone else while in bed with my partner. Is that healthy? If not, what can I do to change it?

Thinking of someone else while in bed with your partner can often trigger a couple of things: 1) guilt in us as individuals and 2) jealousy inside the relationship once it’s discovered. However, sexual fantasy is a valuable tool that can serve our relationships! It has a lot to tell us about our own personal eroticism and cultivating that eroticism can be one of the healthiest things to help us maximize the relationship(s) we’re already in — especially when we invite our partners to share in the eroticism behind those fantasies. For more on how to successfully include your partner(s) in your fantasy life, read here.

Can fantasizing be healthy? If so, what is the best way to fantasize?

Fantasizing can very much be healthy! People who actively fantasize often report feeling more satisfied within their sex lives. At the same time, not everyone fantasizes the same way, and even a small number of people are unable to fantasize. It really depends on how you’re engaging with your own fantasies.

You can get the most out of your fantasies by purposefully exploring them, rather than experiencing them as a passive observer. To increase intentionality when it comes to fantasy, some find it helpful to record their fantasies in a journal or in another place for safekeeping.

Fantasy is a symbolic sexual language that offers you clues to your emotional needs and pathways for growth. Inside those clues are stepping stones to your actualized self.

So go for it, get to fantasizing! When you’re ready, perhaps you could learn to include your partner(s) in your fantasy by communicating them in a context that feels trusting, open, and constructive.

How do I bring intimacy into my gay relationship?

Bringing intimacy into your gay or queer relationship is about being willing to lay down the barriers to being truly seen. Many GBTQ men grow up carrying themselves in a very guarded manner due to rejection by those we love or by society at large. Unfortunately, this mode of guarding ourselves against further hurt often disserves us in our committed relationships, limiting the amount of intimacy we can share with our partner(s).

Intimacy is a practice of self-development and self-disclosure. We gay men need intimacy just as much as we need sex, and we are often unaware that the successful converging of these two needs is a result of patience, compassion, and strategy. Here is a resource on how to better cultivate intimacy within your gay relationship. Sex and intimacy coaching or therapy may also be a helpful option. For information on how to book sessions with me, see here.

What is the key to a conscious relationship or partnership?

The key to a conscious relationship or partnership is to relate on purpose. Many people within relationships never question how they personally engage when interacting with their significant other(s). Partners can unlock a tremendous potential within one another when each individual uses the relationships as a mirror for his personal growth.

Some of the best tips I’ve come across to elevate our own consciousness within a relationship are as follows:

1. Learn to communicate and listen deeply.

2. Artfully negotiate sexual desire.

3. Co-create agreements with your partner(s) that allow you to balance freedom and responsibility within the relationship.

What are the keys to a successful gay relationship? 

A successful gay relationship starts with yourself. Often, we gay men have been through an incredible amount of trauma between birth and coming out of the closet. Even once we’re out, learning how to be a good boyfriend or partner requires patience, compassion, and practice.

If you are committed to personal growth, it will likely prove beneficial to your relationship(s). See here for more on how to co-create a healthy gay relationship. Sex and intimacy coaching and/or therapy can also great ways to acquire helpful tools for your relationship(s). See here if you’re curious to learn more about how sex and intimacy coaching might help your relationship.

Are there stages to gay relationships, and are these stages different from straight relationships?

All relationships — whether gay, straight, queer, or other — share a common series of stages. Often a relationship will begin in a flurry of symbiotic excitement and will later settle into a power struggle of some kind in order to re-establish the personal independence of one or more parties. At that point, individuals may choose to go their separate ways, but that very moment of struggle and negotiation is an opportunity for deep growth if the relationship continues.

We gay men often bring in conversations about open sexuality at different rates than our heterosexual counterparts. However, having upfront, honest communication and relationship design is a great way to navigate these various stages. 

How do I tell if a man I’m looking to date has intimacy issues?

The reality is that any human you date is going to have an intimacy issue of some type. We all do. The important factors for healthy relationships are as follows:

1. Self-awareness - How aware are each of you of the issues you personally carry?

2. Commitment to mutually do the work - How committed are you to working on your issues and to cultivating a safe space for your partner as he works out his own issues?

Establishing a protocol of shared personal development is often an essential component of a healthy dating life.

I’m always dating a guy at least 10 years younger, but I don’t find the relationships fulfilling in the long term. Can I find a fulfilling relationship if I’m not attracted to men my own age?

If you experience a lack of fulfillment from dating anyone, that may be a sign that it’s time to look inward. If you don’t want to be dating men you consider to be significantly younger and you prefer to date men closer to your own age, there are options to explore.

At a high level, these involve introspection and experimentation. Regardless, your relationships themselves can absolutely be crafted in ways to help you integrate desire and intimacy. For more on that, read here.