Cuckold Me, Love - Discussion on Himeros Backstage with Special Guest, Justin Lehmiller
Davey, Finn, LeoRising, and Dr. Justin Lehmiller discuss the Himeros.tv film Cuckold Me, Love, written by Finn Deerhart. In gay male relationships, cuckolding takes on unique dimensions, differing from cuckold fantasies of heterosexuals in a few key ways.
In a relationship, cuckolding is when one partner watches their partner have sex with a third person. Unlike a typical threesome, the partner who "watches" abstains from physical engagement. Though different people have different reasons for this terrain of fantasy, there are some common themes, mostly centered around a triangulation of power—who has it and how to play with it, thereby creating a stronger polarity within a couple’s spectrum of shared sexual possibilities.
In couplehood, we seldom truly leave behind the threat of being separated. In best cases, we develop deep trust with each other using the best tools that we have. Even in the strongest of bonds, to acknowledge the potential of what exists outside of sexual exclusivity can be perceived and immediately experienced as a psychological threat. We feel this in our visceral reactions of jealousy, envy, and our desires to control the unknown.
These are natural reactions to threatening experiences. At the same time, deep within our hearts and minds, many of us can viscerally feel our desires that go beyond our chosen partnerships, triads, or arrangements. We may even sense our own inner conflicts: on one hand desiring to stay safe while fostering an adventurous spirit on the other. While some of us might rather seek tighter containment and forgo outside sexual connection, others may shy away from containment altogether, so much so that it is increasingly difficult to build trust. There is as thin a line between security and rigidity, as there is between flexibility and chaos. Every relationship must negotiate its own needs, wants, boundaries, and ways of holding each other closely as well as strategically managing our embodied paradoxes of pursuing safety and freedom at the same time. I believe that everyone involved can thrive within a personally crafted bond that encourages the personal evolution of all parties.
Gay cuckolding fantasies offer a unique lens to observe how men create experiences in which partners are able to exercise the perception of control over truly uncontrollable variables. Essentially: what I cannot provide for you, I want you to have anyway—and I want to watch you get it. For some, it is relief to be able to witness what he cannot be for his partner, being close to the fires of jealousy. For others, it can legitimize one’s own secret fantasies to witness the other partner actualize his own outside longings. Still, others desire to create a safe, theatrical container in order to contact deep feelings of unworthiness: what is at the root, painful, becomes ecstatic when acted out in a space of trust.
Consider the following variables and how they create a triangulation of power. In most gay cuckolding fantasies, a key element that emerges repeatedly in various contexts is bringing the power from “out there” into the couple’s own bedroom. According to Lehmiller, a gay man often wants to watch his partner get fucked by a guy with a bigger cock, a larger body, or a hypermasculine persona. These variables are true of heterosexual cuckolding fantasies as well, but unlike gay men, heterosexuals often include a racialized element in their reported fantasies. Truly, all of these projections raise questions about the perception of power in Western culture and how notions of the wild, untamable nature of our carnal selves are disavowed in many white populations only to be projected onto people of color or onto men of amplified size differentials. Reports of gay cuckolding fantasies rarely include a racialized element, but instead, center their projections of power exclusively onto cock size and exaggerations of alpha male characterization. These projections—though problematic at the root—carry a tremendous amount of energy in the collective psyche. For the majority of people, they surface in shadowy ways, because to admit one’s desire to express power differentials pits us against our preferred self-images of civility.
When a relationship feels drawn to increase its capacity for playing with outside forces, one way to integrate the mythical dimension of power play into an egalitarian partnership is to experiment with threesomes or cuckolding. In any case, deep honesty can be thrilling, both to ourselves and to our partners.
Watch an explicit version of Cuckold Me, Love here. In this scene, Kayden Gray, Bishop Black, and J.P. Dubois model an intentional conversation before having cuckold sex. This step is crucial to the success of playing with fantasies that carry a significant charge for one or both partners.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, explores cuckolding and many other themes on fantasy. I highly recommend his work and research!
For more in-depth work with fantasy or opening your relationship to single or ongoing experiences, contact me here.