Menu of Connection
Often, couples fight over agreements that they have never explicitly negotiated (Marty Klein). We may expect the other to fulfill us without really knowing what we might need in the moment. Furthermore, our needs fluctuate from day to day, minute to minute, so our partners cannot possibly keep up with our changing moods, even when they know us deeply. When we are not getting our needs met, we are likely to experience negatively impacting emotions: irritation, frustration, sadness, anger—or even a tendency to criticize our partners.
Our criticisms are veiled, deeply buried wishes that carry with them implicit messages about our personal feelings of helplessness, resentment, or contempt. For instance, if I don’t believe that you will respond to my need and request for space, I will likely criticize you for being too needy. Or, if you are angry with me for not realizing how much you want emotional contact, you might accuse me of ignoring you. Unfortunately, in both examples, an opportunity to connect has been missed, and the space between us will widen because a criticism obscures the true and vulnerable longing for contact—we are not likely to get what we want by increasing a shared sense of disconnection and defense.
To avoid this pitfall, we can learn to interpret our feelings as guideposts in order to uncover our needs and then advocate for experiences that will help us to feel connected. Try to remember that all parties involved will have different ways of accessing the feeling of connection. Sometimes, you may find yourself wanting intimate conversation while your partner wants alone time and vice versa. Perhaps you have been annoyed, wanting to get lost in each other’s worlds while your partner cooly thumbs his phone, answering you only sporadically when you pitch opportunities to connect into the air. Maybe he is craving sex, and you have been hoping for cuddles and a movie. Whatever the case, couples excel at connecting when all parties discover creative ways to remain in contact, even when experiencing divergent needs and strategies to fulfill them.
This exercise will help you to create a shared Menu of Connection: a way to intend towards connection across various circumstances. Additionally, this can help with clarifying and communicating boundaries. Together, list some ways that you can meet your individual desires for high, medium, and low connection. This can dramatically aid each person to find a common ground. Maybe list them out on paper or a dry-erase board, or maybe share them with each other on your digital devices.
High Connection
Ex: sex, a shared bath, intimate conversation, playing a game together, swapping massages, engaging at your fullest capacity to focus on self and the other, etc.
Medium Connection
Ex: reading side by side, cuddling and listening to music, watching a movie together, “parallel play” - you both want to be near each other, but not fully engaged with the other, etc.
Low Connection
Ex: taking time alone in another room, solo time with a text/phone check-in, time with a friend with plans to reconvene later in the evening, self-pleasure with intent to share later, etc.
It is important to note that sometimes things will just not line up, and it is OK: our partners will not and cannot meet all of our needs. In moments in which one partner wants high connection and the other wants low connection, both will have to uncover ways to satisfy self while maintaining respect and support of the other’s needs. Maybe one person phones a close friend to catch up while the other takes a solo walk. Whatever the case, when we take care of ourselves, we send a powerful message to ourselves that we are capable, creative, and strategic.
Take note of any challenges that come up in advocating for your needs:
Do you feel like you are allowed to prioritize yourself?
What might happen if you tend to self instead of the other?
Do you experience discomfort or tension in asking for what you want or in hearing what your partner wants?
Do you blame your partner for feeling unfulfilled or stuck?
What needs to be explored in your own personal process of advocating for yourself?
This is a foundation from which you can work towards more nuanced ways of identifying your needs and expressing your authentic boundaries. For more information or to do some work with me, click here.