My America: Romancing the Darkness

What a ride we continue to endure individually and globally. In some ways, it may feel more chaotic than ever before; the facade of collective virtue is crumbling, and that is likely frightening. I believe that we are witnessing our collective shadow as it erupts--does it not shake each of us? The collapse of civic pretense rattles also the very ground upon which we have built our lives. I am inviting myself and you all into inquiry: how have I contributed to this problem?

We can't rely solely upon the guideposts of a national past to find our way forward in a tremulous global context. We may not know how to cope with prevailing uncertainties; terrifying as it can be, uncertainty has always been right in front of our faces. The illusion of certainty, albeit necessary to feel safe, has also blinded me for most of my life. We often can't help it; when we are faced with fear, we tend to lean into our judgments. Within them, we are gratified, seemingly exonerated, convinced that we have done something to help. I think that judgment can absolutely be a doorway into solutions, but only if we, ourselves, are also willing to walk into our own thoughts and examine them.

What we condemn in others exists also within us, even if buried far away from the scanning eyes of our preferred self-images. I, like all of us, enjoy seeing myself in specific complimentary ways. More accurately, I am a mix of legitimate strengths as well as myriad defensive reactions against my own trauma, internalized vulnerabilities, and fractures. On the surface, I am a coach and a counselor; beneath, I am often a raging child and a demon. My vision of who I am to the world, who I hope to be, does not eliminate all the parts of me that are in direct opposition to the crafted Finn Deerhart. Yet, the more I embrace my disavowed qualities, the more truly compassionate I have become with myself and others.

Destruction and construction are separated only by how we imagine and interpret an action. In the words of one of my favorite writers, Pam Houston, "Meaning occurs at the junction of code and context, and context is always changing." As tumultuous as our headlines continue to be, we are maybe closer to taking greater responsibility for our selves, for how we are all part of the same problems. Instead of asking: what do I see? Inquire: how do I see? The first question implies objectivity. The latter necessitates that we cultivate awareness of our own process of seeing. In other words, what am I looking for? Is it someone to blame? To win? To find the Devil on the faces of those who I hate? This is our America, like it or not, where we see what we want to see.