Swapping the Narrative: An Exercise to Neutralize Conflict
During conflict, we often struggle to deeply hear each other; not because of the “other,” but because of our own missteps in listening. Instead of understanding what our partners are attempting to communicate, we get in our own ways: instead, we hear confirmation of our worst fears, proof that we are alone, verbal and nonverbal signals that trigger festering grief, losses, and unmet longings. We are plunged into the depths of our own unresolved developmental challenges. Unfortunately, when we mishear, our defenses activate; we surround ourselves with a fortress of certainty, behind which we know so much about our partners. We convince ourselves that we know for certain those narratives that we tell ourselves. We may even rehearse these narratives for years.
In reality, we become blinded, unable to hear the very same thing happening across from us with the people we love. Though we likely can relate to what they are trying to tell us, because of our defenses, we remain stuck. In circumstances like these, we have two (or more) narratives butting up against each other— beneath which are tender hearts who long to be heard and understood.
When we are gridlocked, we may feel like there is no hope and that we might never be understood. Truthfully, though we may hate to admit it, we might actually find some resonance in their opposing views; and they, ours. If we could only trust that we might get what we need when dropping our defenses, we might be willing to soften and try again. Even if your partner remains defended, when we choose to listen differently, we tend to find more agency within ourselves; we realize that we are much more able to advocate for our own needs than previously imagined.
Take radical responsibility for yourself. In the words of Salvador Minuchin: It takes two people to create a pattern; it takes one person to change it.
Swapping the Narrative
Here is an exercise that can help you get unstuck. Instead of further polarizing into your own corner, try articulating from the opposite side. Literally try on what your partner is saying and connect to the feelings that arise in you. Find within yourself the place in which you can truly agree with what they are attempting to say—even if you imagine it to be impossible. Dig deep and find the parts of yourself that can align with your partner. You may be surprised that beneath the conflict, you are often wanting similar, if not the same, outcomes even though your wishes are obscured beneath layers of defense. In these deep places lies the possibility of shared vulnerability, the impetus for connection and mutually satisfying solutions to conflict.
For this exercise to be effective, you may have to take a time-out of conflict in order to regulate your nervous systems enough to be available for the vulnerability required to understand. It’s 100% ok to take your time and do this exercise when you feel available.
Tell yourself that your views matter and that you are not at all abandoning your own needs, that you will come back to your own perspective shortly; then lay it aside.
Next, pretend you are your partner. Try to feel what might be like to be them. Take what you’ve heard and genuinely advocate from their perspective. Maybe you know their narrative backward and forward because you’ve heard it hundreds of times. This time, really find the feelings within yourself that connect to their words.
Do your absolute best to refrain from interjecting your own thoughts, opinions, and viewpoint. Avoid editorializing their words and filtering them through your own judgments. Instead, genuinely advocate from the perspective(s) opposed to your own.
In so doing, what do you notice in yourself? What arises within you? What feelings surface? Do your defenses sharpen or do they soften?
Take turns sharing with each other as if you are on the opposing side. What do you notice in your partner? What happens between you as you work for the understanding of the other? What sensations do you notice in your body?
For more work like this, please connect with me about how I can help you and/or your relationship!
Image by Ezra Luke