If Wishes Were Horses…
It Takes Work. Inner Work.
If Wishes Were Horses is an erotic film series derived from our Himeros.tv audience participation that uncovers how individuals today can begin to positively influence gay culture with respect to body shame (size/type/ablism), masculinity and femininity (toxic standards that separate these sides of the spectrum), wounds that have been turned outward on others (lateral discrimination), and expanding the definitions of sex to be more inclusive. Surveyed participants responded with what they wished they had known or experienced, looking back on their erotic journeys.
"If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride" is a proverb and nursery rhyme, first recorded about 1628 in a collection of Scottish proverbs, which suggests that if mere wishing could make things happen, then even the most destitute people would have everything they wanted.
This film series asserts the need to cultivate perspective as well as demonstrate skills that further erotic fulfillment. Our general, Western cultural perception of hot sex is fundamentally problematic in that it implies a contingency of two or more idealized bodies (often white ones) fucking solely for the sake of physical intensity. To inquire about this template, our status quo, sex researcher Peggy Kleinplatz conducted a paradigm-shifting study on what makes sex “great.” As a result, she concluded that much of how we now perceive greatness, despite cultural perpetuation, is misguided. She writes:
Popular culture sources tend to equate sex with intercourse, reinforce sexual stereotypes, send mixed messages that leave room for unrealistic expectations, anxiety, shame, and guilt; they also marginalize most people who do not fit into the narrow spectrum of sexuality portrayed. There are thousands of sexual self-help books (in regular or bastardized "Tantric" flavors) whose titles guarantee the purchaser "great sex" or "sexual ecstasy". In most cases, the emphasis of such books is on performance, technique, novelty, spontaneity, and incredible orgasms as the route to great sex (The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, Vol. 18 (1-2) 2009).
As an alternative, Kleinplatz’s study elucidates eight key factors that make sex optimal gleaned from extensive interviews with volunteers, including those who have traditionally been excluded from sex research: individuals over 65 yrs of age as well as those belonging to sexual minority groups. The eight key factors are:
Being present, focused, and embodied.
Experiencing connection, alignment, merger, or being “in synch.”
Deep sexual and erotic intimacy, stemming from trust.
Extraordinary communication and heightened empathy.
Authenticity, genuineness, being uninhibited, and transparent.
A quality of transcendence, bliss, transformation, and healing.
Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, and fun.
Vulnerability and surrender.
Ironically, despite previously mentioned mainstream cultural perceptions, intense physical sensation, orgasm, lust, attraction, desire, or chemistry rated much lower in statistical markers of great sex, so much so that Kleinplatz relegated these qualities into a subcategory termed “minor factors.”
Kleinplatz’s work is crucial because according to her research, great sex is a skills-based game, one in which vulnerability is central. As such, pleasure increases when we cultivate our senses of self and personalized expressions of eroticism. Contrary to our formative enculturation, pleasure does not belong solely to those who possess qualities that meet or exceed Western standards of beauty and/or fantasy. Instead, pleasure is a birthright to all, and the heights of ecstasy are readily available to those who aspire to be better lovers, educate themselves, confront fears and inhibitions, dare to bare their hearts, and practice letting go.
These considerations are important for the work of Himeros.tv because in general, porn capitalizes on the assumption that power is “out there somewhere,” an endless search for the perfect fragment of unfulfillable desire. It is our belief and mission to inspire viewers into greater awareness and expressions of themselves.
Furthermore, when we view porn, we may succumb to the trance that our arousal is being generated solely by the physical experiences between actors; we see nothing depicted of their inner lives: the struggles, triumphs, avoidances, wishes, aspirations, and journeys of those involved. Yet, our journeys contain the very substrates of hot sex, the notions we unconsciously project onto our porn.
If Wishes Were Horses explores a few of Kleinplatz’s qualities through the lens of our viewers’ life stories. We position a template for growth with bravery and humor, teach skills, and invite our audience into a more inclusive framework through which great sex can be conceived and, most importantly, experienced.