Parallel Play: an Erotic Exercise To Deepen Intimacy With Self And Others
As we enter adult relationships—whether they are open relationships, monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, we may have lost touch with our innate capacities to play. We may think that we are liberated because we are having sex—but what is the quality of our presence during that sex? For me, and many others, we have likely spent an inordinate amount of time sculpting our bodies, our personas, and large portions of our lives to fall in line with obvious as well as invisible cultural expectations.
Surprise: our sex and eroticism reflect this same molding—and often even more so—because the majority of us have missed the imperative mirroring by our caretakers that we needed as children with respect to our developing sexualities. As a result, we are all dysregulated sexually to some degree. Simply put, we don’t possess rich vocabularies to describe our experiences; we often don’t feel comfortable sharing our truths; we feel nervous opening up to the very ones with whom we long to share ourselves. We shut down, we dissociate, we watch ourselves from the sidelines, etc. Or maybe you feel like you are no longer attracted to your husband, partner, or boyfriend, but you aren’t sure exactly why. These are just a few examples, a brief list of possible intimacy issues among many more.
We may feel such pressure to make up for our formative, embodied lacks in healthy attunement when it comes to sex that we move away from our own inner senses of being, striving to do it right or look the part, etc., solutions that we’ve absorbed from a domain of misguided collective thought. Unfortunately, what we’ve picked up along the way is likely to have been constructed from and influenced by those same inadequate forces. With sex partners all along the continuum from one-offs to life partners, we perform, seldom fully capturing our needs, wants, and most importantly to me, opportunities to heal.
Take a moment to reflect on your own experience of sexuality and eroticism: how comfortable are you opening up about sex, desire, and your longings? These important aspects of our human lives are fundamental in our experiences of satisfaction and fulfillment. How can we grow in our comfort with them?
In order to develop our capacities to be adventurous, consensual, attuned, and supportive lovers, we can start by cultivating an uninhibited, internal focus on our own authentic pleasures, our unique expressions, and our abilities to be present with what arises emotionally when we are witnessed beneath our winning formulas for who we are. In doing this for ourselves, we can also hold that same transformative space for our sexual partners. Within this tension—holding dual perspectives, ours and the other’s—we are able to access the internal freedom we desire: to enjoy control and surrender at the same time.
Exercise:
We learned to inhabit our imaginations (a requisite aspect of eroticism) as children, and at some point in our early development, we reached a stage in which we likely exhibited what is called parallel play. This is when children play side by side, playing alone while, to some degree, remaining interested in each other.
With a partner, erotic friend, fuck buddy, hook up, what have you—utilize this exercise, Parallel Play, to develop your capacity for dual focus, playing side by side, being absorbed in yourself while another watches. This is a fun way to cultivate more unique sexual expression. And in the process, you will likely confront the typical patterns toward which you veer in sex, especially during vulnerable moments.
1) Take a moment while fully clothed to acknowledge any vulnerabilities, feelings, or intentions with each other. Take your time: the emphasis of this exercise is to normalize discomfort, helping to establish parameters of connection in which you feel safe and seen. Make a commitment to each other to stay engaged to the best of your ability and communicate along the way. You can set a timer for a particular window of time for the next part, or, if preferred, play in an open-ended way.
2) When you both feel ready, take turns removing each other’s clothing in a slow, sexy way. Make the undressing a sensual experience and get creative.
3) If/when your arousal is rising, begin self-pleasuring in front of each other. Do your best to stay connected to your own sense of feelings, associations, and fantasies. Keep eye contact as much as you can. Stay engaged with each other. How does your body want to move? How does your voice want to sound? What feelings are present in your body, and how might you move to express those feelings? Do your best to let go of any automatic scripts. Relinquish any expectations about arousal, hardons, etc. Resist the temptation to touch each other’s bodies for the sake of bypassing being witnessed. Really try to let yourself sit in the experience of being seen in your own expression of personal pleasure. Whatever you feel is an important part of the process. Communicate with each other about what you’re feeling, maybe taking turns sharing about what is coming up for you.
4) Whether or not you are able to climax, whether or not you even choose to approach orgasm, or however long you decide to play, there are no rules. Just prioritize witnessing each other in the process of unfolding. Play in a parallel way, staying connected to self and to the other.
5) When you are finished playing, help each other back into your clothing and debrief. What did you notice about your experience? Did you learn something about yourself? Did you learn something about the other? How might you apply this intentional experience to future, more spontaneous sexual moments?
Watch an Explicit trailer of Parallel Play on Himeros.tv
(In this film, the actors used a modified version of this exercise, transitioning from being witnessed into mutual touch and continued play.)