The Queer Advantage is Real
The vast majority of queer people have grown up in families and cultures in which queerness has been discouraged if not rejected, sometimes violently. What remains is an experience of having always been on the “outside,” even within our own families and communities. Resultantly, many of us queers move to urban areas that promise a sense of community and freedom. And sex!
However, everything we’ve been through on the way to our fabulous queer lives doesn’t just go away. In fact, it continues to inform how we see and operate in the world. Most importantly, these formative wounds can significantly impact our most intimate relationships—for better and for worse.
In general, the enduring impact on our relationships is twofold. Carrying the burden of outsiderness, we likely struggle harder to feel a sense of belonging and safety in the relationship. At the same time, because of our outsiderness, we may also exhibit a greater degree of mobility in how we structure relationships. For instance, queer people frequently enjoy more permission to date and relate across generations, orientations, and the spectrum of gender. Furthermore, we form networks of chosen families based on shared values and resonance rather than obligation.
Perhaps one of the most ostensible factors resulting from outsiderness is our increased attention to sexuality, in practice as well as in our markers of identity. Having grown up outside of the heteronormative paradigm, combined with our inability to fulfill its imperatives (even if we tried), has left us frequently feeling somewhat protective of our sexuality. In fact, we likely organize around it, often forming friendships based on sexual feelings and desires. On the upside, in our efforts to build fulfilling lives, we champion the importance of sex for pleasure, even amid pervasive cultural sex negativity, and we frequently practice some form of non-monogamy in intimate relationships.
Which leads to increased satisfaction and unique challenges.
But the pain we carry remains no matter how we choose to love and fuck. Instead of attempting to outrun it (or out-fuck it), we need to tap into the power of our queerness and claim its inherent gifts.
Many times, I’ve heard queer people express the idea that non-monogamy is a more “evolved” way to relate, shaming anyone who may form relationships that, in any way, resemble those within the heterosexual ecosystem. While this may be true for many, for others it is not. I encourage us all to examine our beliefs about sex and relationships, and our deep need to feel safe and belong—which underlies everything no matter how we structure our relationships.
Keep in mind that queerness itself is an invitation to cast off strictures and become who you want to be. Absolutely, you can have sex with only one person and feel liberated—just as you can have sex with many and feel nothing. As well, you can have sex with one person in order to avoid confrontation with potential rejection fear “out there”—just as you can have sex with many, discovering diverse reflections in the myriad facets of our collective queer family. I encourage you to jettison outside imperatives regardless of what others are doing.
You’re already here. Belonging is your birthright, and freedom is an inside job.