Open Relationship? Or Monogamous?
Queer relationships bear the marks of our having been “outsiders” within our formative cultures. As queer adults, what remains is a relational paradox.
On one hand, since we have often not felt a deep sense of belonging, we carry this heavy burden into our relationships, hoping that we will, at last, feel safe—a very tall order.
On the other hand, since we have never fully inhabited our dominant culture’s way of forming and sustaining relationships, our “outsiderness” can actually facilitate more ease in constructing relationships that more accurately reflect the desires and dynamics we seek via intimate contact. Queer-identified people often date more readily across perceived divides of age, gender, race, class, and body type. We also statistically engage more with consensual non-monogamy in all its permutations. In a general sense, queer people are helping to do work for our collective culture in that sexuality—as pleasure and bonding, not procreation—is celebrated as a central feature of our identities.
But many make a mistake in assuming that consensual non-monogamy is, therefore, more evolved.
What is most evolved: learning to listen to our own needs, challenging ourselves to communicate about them, and trusting ourselves. These skills are motherfuckers. They are not a given. And for most, they must be cultivated through ruptures, repairs, trials, and errors.
Truly, we can be wildly liberated with only one person—just as we can have sex with many and feel absolutely nothing. Equally, we can discover unknown parts of ourselves in sex with a variety of people—just as we can use an exclusive partner as a shield against the potential rejection of putting ourselves out there in playspace.
Ultimately, freedom is learned by following desire with the practiced awareness of what happens…no matter the chosen relationship style. Cultivate the capacity to surrender to a process that unfolds without knowing where it may lead.